Go Seahawks
Today is the Super Bowl so for once I'll shut up about viruses but I won't quit talking about weak men who are bad leaders
The Seattle Seahawks are going to try to break even for Super Bowl wins on Sunday at Super Bowl LX. In an alternate universe where COVID never happened and Trump did not return, this event would have consumed my entire personality. My first Seahawks game was as a 7 month old fetus in utero at the Kingdome. I got married at a Seahawks tailgate party by the Sea Pope, who is a wonderful guy named Gary with a closet full of incredible velvet Seahawks papal vestments and a certificate from the Universal Life Church allowing him to marry people.
Super Bowl LX will be the Seahawks’ fourth crack at the Lombardi Trophy. They have lost twice in the three attempts so far. Referee Bill Leavy’s officiating in Super Bowl XL set a new standard for ineptitude, and he effectively awarded the game to the Pittsburgh Steelers via his endless supply of bad or missed calls. When we beat the Broncos to win Super Bowl XLVIII, it felt like redemption (it helped that we resoundingly kicked their asses and the game was over by halftime).
But the next year, Super Bowl XLIX taught us some humility when the despised New England Patriots ripped victory literally from wide receiver Ricardo Lockette’s be-Hawked hands. Down by 4 points with 26 seconds on the clock, the Seahawks had the ball on the 1-yard line and Offensive Coordinator Darrell Bevell called a passing play. Despite having Marshawn Lynch, one of the greatest running backs in NFL history because of his ability to break tackles and plow forward in exactly this type of situation, Bevell called a passing play that was intercepted by Patriots cornerback Malcolm Butler in the end zone. The Seahawks lost.
Bevell’s bad call in Super Bowl XLIX was the beginning of a series of increasingly shitty, institutionally focused management decisions. Seahawks General Manager John Schneider, Head Coach Pete Carroll, and team executives pulled out all the stops to retain goody-two-shoes quarterback Russell Wilson, quite possibly my least favorite Seahawk of all time, at the expense of the NFL-dominating defense. In order to placate Carroll and deliver an elite QB contract to the insufferable Wilson, Schneider decided that the defense had to go.
My dad (a former defensive tackle), like so many other dads, affirms that defense wins championships. With the exception of Lynch, I only wear the jerseys of guys who play D. So when Schneider started taking out the defense, I disapproved both because I thought it was strategically unwise and I was tired of buying new jerseys. The Shaquem Griffin jersey in my closet is a testament to the unintended consequences of this failed approach to salary cap management.
Beginning in 2015, the Seahawks began hemorrhaging defensive players. Linebacker Bruce Irvin and defensive tackle Brandon Mebane were released. After the 2017 season, my personal fave cornerback Richard Sherman was released and immediately signed with the hated Niners. Defensive tackle Sheldon Richardson and defensive ends Cliff Avril and Michael Bennett left as well, with Richardson and Avril being released and Bennett being traded to Philadelphia. All-time great strong safety “Bam Bam” Kam Chancellor retired. The fearsome Legion of Boom were over, and the ones who remained were extremely displeased. Founding LOB free safety Earl Thomas III gave perhaps the most clear and devastating critique of Schneider’s management when he ended the 2018 season in week 4 with a tib-fib fracture, without saying a word. He never donned a Seahawks uniform again, which rendered my Thomas III jersey obsolete.
The Seahawks descended into a period of “we’ll see how this season goes” mediocrity. Some seasons were dismal. Some were just okay. When the Seahawks lose, it’s because of bad leadership. That’s because when things go wrong, it’s not the players’ fault even when it is. It wasn’t Ricardo Lockette’s fault that Malcolm Butler beat him to the ball. It wasn’t even the least dangerous person to dub himself “DangeRuss” throwing an interceptable slant pass. It was Darrell Bevell’s fault for calling a slant pass on what should have been Beast Mode. Schneider kept him for four more seasons before firing him along with most of the Super Bowl-winning defense.
Defense doesn’t actually win championships. Leadership does. Leaders don’t play favorites And I’m counting on the Seahawks to show a little leadership today.
I really do love the Seahawks
I am from Puyallup, Washington, as demonstrated by what I consider to be my greatest media accomplishment (making the “Notable People” section of the Puyallup Wikipedia page). Puyallup is about 30 miles southeast of Seattle. I am not from Seattle, but I am “from Seattle” since nobody has ever heard of Puyallup (and oh boy, if you have never heard “Puyallup” pronounced before, you will not get it right on your first try). Puyallup is famous for its state fair and its daffodils.
Puyallup, much like the rest of the Seattle-proximal but not-Seattle Pacific Northwest, is steeped in Seahawks loyalty. My grandfather had season tickets he bought in the 1976 inaugural season. We had a Seahawks bumper sticker on our van. My neighbor’s older brother covered his room in Kenny Easley “The Enforcer” posters. Another friend had a dog named Tez, after Cortez Kennedy. My dad used to wear earplugs to the Kingdome because it was loud to the point of being dangerous. I lived through the Brian Bosworth era so authentically that I remember a kid in my class being sent home for getting a signature Boz mullet. It violated the dress code at my Catholic school.
Even when the Seahawks suck, the 12s love reliving the glory days. By “glory days” I mean 1976, when the Hawks went 2-12 in their inaugural season. I’ve shaken 1970s quarterback Jim Zorn’s hand at a tailgate party where he was feted for his two winning seasons (that were mostly due to Hall of Fame wide receiver Steve Largent) before he started losing again and got benched in favor of Dave Krieg. Krieg was better, although he had both Largent and All-Pro running back Curt Warner to help him out, as well as Easley to lead the league in interceptions.
Honestly, Seahawks fans even love the legendary losers and busts, of which there have been many. I once gave my dad a Brock Huard jersey for Christmas, because Huard is my fellow Wikipedia-recognized notable person from Puyallup and my dad knows his mom. My husband still wears his Jadeveon Clowney jersey from time to time. Years ago, I dated a guy who gave me a vintage Rick Mirer poster for my birthday. I was a little puzzled by the gift, since hanging a “Natural Wonder” on my wall is beyond the limit of my commitment, even to the Seahawks. When we broke up a month later, I gave it back to him.
But my ex was not alone in treasuring even a mediocre Seahawk whose career win-loss record as a starter was 28-44. I’ve been to a lot of Seahawks games in my life and even now you see jerseys from all the greats of yesteryear: Walter Jones, Largent, Lynch, the LOB and most of the Seahawks 2013 D, Bobby Wagner, Lofa Tatupu, Shaun Alexander, Warner, Easley, etc. You also see jerseys from all the busts or the ones who just failed to live up to expectations or were boring: Shawn Springs, Mirer, Trent Dilfer, and there has always been a strong contingent repping The Boz.
People who were raised to love the Seahawks don’t get tired of the Seahawks they love. There are incredible 15-year old Beacon Plumbing ads featuring Marshawn Lynch going Beast Mode on a clogged drain and replacing toilets on demand. These still play regularly. Stop freakin’, call Beacon. That is because to 12s, the Seahawks are bigger than a bad season. I was at the Elysian across the street from what was then Quest Field when Lynch ran in the touchdown that triggered the Beast Quake. I am certain that in Seattle this week, there was a run on Skittles like it was 2013 again.
Seattle fans never stop loving their past favorite Seahawks. Win or lose today, Marshawn Lynch will be giving the all-clear to that septic tank line on syndicated local TV for eternity.
Leadership wins Lombardi Trophies
Things changed for the Seahawks in 2022. That is when Schneider finally decided to part ways with the giant financial black hole in a number 3 jersey who wouldn’t shut up about Jesus or impregnating Ciara on his Instagram. Wilson got shipped off to Denver where he promptly proved his mettle as a terrible catchphrase developer (“Let’s ride!”) and is now an itinerant free agent who shuttles from desperate team to desperate team, hoping 4 TD Russell Wilson and not 4 INT Russell Wilson shows up.
Sometimes even changing the quarterback won’t help, though. Wilson left long ago, and Geno Smith was a perfectly fine replacement. But the Seahawks couldn’t change the leadership of Pete Carroll, whose fondness for idiotic trick plays like he always used to pull with Wilson and breathtakingly inept clock management snatched defeat from the jaws of victory far too many times. Sometimes, you have to just call a Kingdome: this thing is out of date and will never catch up, so better to implode it and build something more beautiful and functional on its ashes.
The Seahawks hired Mike Macdonald in 2024 and he’s turned out to be pretty effective so far. He’s also a former defensive coordinator for the Ravens, so he has rebuilt a dominating defense that calls itself “The Dark Side” to distinguish themselves from the old LOB. He’s running an offense that works for Sam Darnold and his receivers. He’s managing the clock efficiently and isn’t pulling Pete Carroll hook and ladder bullshit or throwing a challenge flag every other play. The Seahawks are a better team thanks to better leadership.
Hey, speaking of leadership. This is Bob Kraft, the owner of the New England Patriots. Here he is at the American cultural ruin formerly known as the Kennedy Center getting further degraded by a premiere screening of Melania. He was a guest of the leaderiest leader of them all: President Donald J. Trump.
Separate from watching state-sponsored propaganda about the Evil Queen, Kraft’s leadership has extended to him being (unsurprisingly) in the Epstein files extensively and fighting to retain the loathsome Head Coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady for decades. He’s one of Trump’s most reliably despicable billionaire supporters. Though Brady and Belichick are gone, my hostility toward the Patriots remains, both because of my bitterness over Super Bowl XLIX and my contempt for Kraft. He is a collaborator with the regime that is tearing America apart at its seams.
The Seahawks are owned by late owner Paul Allen’s family trust, which is led by his sister Jody. Paul Allen was a founder of Microsoft and, like his co-founder across town, was focused on health during his life. In 2014, I was at a game and Wilson and Carroll showed up on the jumbotron to let everyone know that “Ebola is ravaging West Africa” and people should donate to Doctors without Borders. Paul Allen funded a lot of scientific research, particularly in neuroscience and computational biology. He has institutes named for him that pursue scientific research across the entire state of Washington. He established a school of Global Animal Health at Washington State University. Paul Allen’s legacy is continued commitment to science, public health, and education. Bob Kraft’s legacy is getting busted getting rub and tugs at strip mall massage parlors and aiding in the destruction of American democracy.
Go Seahawks!
Enjoy the Super Bowl! I hope your Seahawks win!
Enjoy.
I am.
Bad Bunny did a cleansing. 🙏🪶🙏